Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?