“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener