My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
how high up are we talkin’?