When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Comparing yourself to others
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly