Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴