I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Close call…
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨