Gross if literal…Liverpool
You Might Also Like
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?