Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
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JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
back to work
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?