My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Go hard or stay average
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
🙂🐾
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.