“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Terribly Tuesday.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”