6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
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OKAY DAD
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The USS B port
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist