Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.