Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
#Caturday
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*