The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Damn he played himself
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.