Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about