Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.