them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.