Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
You Might Also Like
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
LMAO
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Just grow your own
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.