Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool