Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
The biggest mystery of our time
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell