Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.