Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?