I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Sorry. Not sorry
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…