My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks