I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
what day is it?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas