[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I need better friends
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Aaaa…CHOO!