I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”