me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.