Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..