Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Print is alive and well!!!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If looks could kill
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.