Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.