Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
barbara was highly relatable
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.