HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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