I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
(Electricians.)
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?