Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
water it, i dare you
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?