One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“Wait, let me explain..”
rise and shine we got egg
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.