Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
This meal prepping shit easy
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
When someone trying to leave me