I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
repaired
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Lmao
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,