not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
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Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
How did we not see this back then?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.