my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.