My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*me flirting
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.