I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.