Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
You Might Also Like
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
you know what ruined my childhood? children