[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
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Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
True freaking story!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.