I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Wednesday
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.