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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
hey, alexa
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My life in a nutshell
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence