A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
…żyje?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.