My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭