I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.