When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
are they though??
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.